Advertisement

need help with sharing my husband

topic posted Tue, August 22, 2006 - 12:10 PM by  holly
Share/Save/Bookmark
Okay,
We've been together 7 years and have always discussed him having sex with other people. I told him I was okay with that as long as I always knew about it and always remained "number one" on his list. He comes home the other night and tells me he perfomed some sexual acts on a girl he finally approached (has seen around a few times before), but they haven't had sex yet. He's inviting her to our home in a few nights and I feel like I'm emotionally freakin out. I did some studying on here and read many other postings and the main ideas I keep reading are that communication and trust are very necessary in order for this to be successful. I also read that we need to set rules/boundaries so that we are all comfortable. The problem is, He doesn't want to set rules/boundaries; instead says that he wants us to just "see what happens" and claims I'm being a hyprocrit by giving him a hard time about this when I've always said it was okay before.

I realize my mistake. I didn't have any idea what agreeing to this would mean. So now that we are in the heart of something happening, I'm feeling anxious and scared and worried that I'm making the wrong choice. I'm feeling completely torn up inside, don't know what to do and would really appreciate any help I can get on this.

Thanks.
posted by:
holly
Buffalo
Advertisement
  • Re: need help with sharing my husband

    Tue, August 22, 2006 - 1:21 PM
    I have seen this happen so many times.... the discussion goes something like this..

    it begins as a fantasy..... what IF we did "this" and then the idea starts to brew in our heads and in our bodies... it all feels pretty good.. and feels safe enough, because afterall we havent done anything but think about it and talk a little....

    then the talk becomes more explicit.... and most usually it is the women that say, Ok let's try it... and the guy goes... wow, ya think so, really, and the girl says Sure, why not.. might be fun,

    and then...... (cutting to the chase here) REALITY strikes.... and the guy finds a women he is interested in and the girl says OK, BUT here;s the rules and the guy says RULES, WHAT RULES..... YOU SAID...... it was OK.....

    and then the girl says I didnt say it was OK, I said it MIGHT be fun.... and IF we are going to do this... and then, she lays down the "expectations"

    I wanna be told (or not)
    I wanna know (or not)
    I wanna be First
    etc.....

    and the guy goes from having the seed planted, to a full blown permission in HIS Mind, while the girl is still workin thru the What If stage,.,

    Phewwww!!! It's Exhausting....

    ok.. now that I got all that out of the way....

    let me say... I am sorry it it comes across as brash or cold or bitchy.... I DON'T mean it to..

    HE is being RUDE and inconsiderate if he thinks it can just be a "see where it goes" HE already KNOWS where HE wants it to go........

    and YOU are NOT being a hypocrit at all for wanting to have some boundries before jumping into this HEAD first....

    it goes much deeper than just a Flesh Level..... and he is apparently operating out of his Flesh desire.....

    I would HOPE he has enough respect and consideration for BOTH of you as well as his "friend" to be willing to set some comfortable boundries....

    there's a lot to the story that We don't know.. Like do you already know her..... Do you want to know her..... just for starters....

    once the barn door (so to speak) has been opened.. its really difficult to close it and keep it locked...

    so.... now, READ the Ethical slut TOGETHER>....... and TALK alot.... Try Not to become an "emotional wreck" it;s REALLY difficult to think and speak RATIONALLY about this is you are falling aprat emotionally....

    HE can't fix that in you, only YOU can fix that in you..... though it certainly involves you.. it is not about you..... this is HIS choice... albeit a rather selfish one if he is not willing to consider YOU and your feelings.....

    it's gonna take a LOT O f work... most likely some tears and some arguements... but IF you want to stay in this relationship..... knowing it has now been "opened" then you are going to have to work really hard at it..... and SO IS HE.......

    what is he willing to do to keep the relationship between you healthy....

    I wish you all the best it;s gonna be rough for awhile..... while each of you find yourselves in this .....

    if you already have the ability to truly know that you dont have to sacrifice yourself or your relationship then you have the ability to set some boundries and live and love and learn and grow in this......

    Geesh, I hope I didnt ramble too much.. and that it makes a bit of sense....

    Blessings.....
    Bare
    • Re: need help with sharing my husband

      Tue, August 22, 2006 - 4:28 PM
      Thank you so much for the comments. My husband called from work tonight and told me he wants me to go meet her. That he talked to her on the phone and she's home alone and it would be a perfect time. Needless to say, we argued and I, unfortunately, ended up hanging up on him and coming to the computer to see if I had any replies.

      I don't know this girl. I didn't even know he knew her until he came home and told me what happened Friday night. He wants me to meet her?? What do I talk about with her? "how was my husband for you?" Maybe I should try to talk with her alone to see if she has any boundaries/experience with this, but ... I don'tknow. I never expected to feel so lost. Strangely enough, I feel guilty too because we live in a small town and I know an opportunity like this for my husband will be hard to find so if I crush it now, won't he forever be upset about that?
      • Re: need help with sharing my husband

        Tue, August 22, 2006 - 6:31 PM
        Hi Holly.... You are defnitely faced with some tough choices here...

        I can only tell you what worked for me.... but you will have to find your footing in this as it feels right for you....

        My Husband and I never even talked about this before it began for us 35 years ago....

        he was away on cruise with the navy and I met someone, when My husband returned home from cruise before ANYTHING happened I told him "there's something I need to tell you"

        I took a deep breath and spoke my truth.... needless to say, things we're not "perfect" and I was quite sure he was going to send me packing with divorce papers in hand....

        but, He didn't, and from there we grew together in the lifestyle we have lived now for 35 years....

        so, tha fact that your husband trusted you enough to at least tell you is a start..... He could have "continued" to see this girl without saying anything....

        and you have said that you had talked at least some about the "what if" of something like this..

        no doubt it has caught you off guard and made things a reality and not just a fantasy....

        So.... You have some choices.... Go meet her, Or not, fight with your husband, or not, put the brakes on this but know that it will indeed cause friction, or attempt to try this for awhile and see what happens..

        when I met my husbands lover for the first time I didnt know what to say to her.. they had already been High School sweethearts and lovers.... so it was really hard for me since they had a history.....

        they would laugh and talk about "old times" and I felt totally left out.... it was a scary lonely feeling...

        She and I found ourselves alone with each other one day when she arrived at out home before he got home from work...... it was really uncomfortable.... we began our conversation with general pleasantries... How are you, that kind of thing...

        then I said to her, I know that You have feelings for him, and I dont blame you.. so do I.... and if we are both going to continue to be part of his life we need to have some understandings.... and then I asked her what she felt about that....

        it ended up that we spoke for quite awhile and it became easier..... we had many conversations over the years...

        I was glad I finally met her.. it helped and though there were certainly time I got angry and jealous and insecure.. at least we could talk about it.. and work thru it rather than stuff it and pretend it wasnt happening....

        I think it's a matter of personal preference.... what do YOU want to know.... and How much do you want to know.... and how are you going to make yourself ready to handle the journey ahead of you....

        and..... Where is your husband in all of this..... what is HE feeling.... LISTEN to him if you close the door on it at this point you might as well finish the relationship now....

        It is going to take BOTH of you..... (and at some point, her too) to work on the boundries that are right for all of you... and it wont be easy sometimes...

        everyone has to have respect for one another or this wont work....

        I wish you the best..... SPEAK YOUR TRUTH... and LISTEN to HIS......

        Communication is Key...... and Consideration is necessary.......

        Bare



      • dug
        dug
        offline 8

        Re: need help with sharing my husband

        Tue, August 22, 2006 - 6:32 PM
        i say jump in with both feet. if you meet her you may have a better idea if you are comfy or if you have reservations. if your husband made a good choice then im sure she will be more than willing to set you at ease and work on some boundaries with you, and if he made a bad one then you wont have any problem choosing no. talk with her alone is a good idea.. in our experiences, esp our first gf it was a bit akward and nervous for everyone. but everyone was adult and we all fumbled through it and had fun.. shit like this is always an oppurtunity to grow , i feel, but at the heart of it its your relationship assert yourself and have fun
        • Re: need help with sharing my husband

          Wed, August 23, 2006 - 4:11 AM
          All these comments are awesome with helping me through this. I ended up talking to my husband first rather than meeting her...he told her I wasn't ready yet...and I guess we ended up "jumping in with both feet" in our own way. He's going to try this, he was willing to set a few boundaries after much argument, tears, back n forth stuff (he's still so stuck on the idea that I said he could do it before, but now that it's here, I'm pulling the reigns). He also agreed to a temporary time limit at which time we will reevaluate again and see how we both feel at this time.

          I don't know how comfortable I am with all of this, but I feel like once the topic was brought up, our relationship would have never been the same no matter what we had done. It's not that I'm one hundred percent against it; it's just that I have no idea what's going to happen and that doesn't rest well with me. I'm still very nervous but we did find a semi-meeting ground for the time being and I guess all I can do is the same my husband said in the beginning, "see what happens."

          I am going out to buy ALL the books, however, since I don't feel this is ajourney we can/should do alone.

          I wish I had researched BEFORE this point arrived so I could hash it out with all of you who already know what you're doing. I guess I'll just keep my fingers crossed now.
          • Re: need help with sharing my husband

            Wed, August 23, 2006 - 1:44 PM
            "I ended up talking to my husband first rather than meeting her...he told her I wasn't ready yet"

            EXCELLENT!!! as it should be....

            "He also agreed to a temporary time limit at which time we will reevaluate again and see how we both feel at this time."

            good beginning to setting boundries and allowing each other the time and space needed to work on persoanl growth and understanding......

            its NOT easy, but if you have a desire to walk this path TOGETHER it is necessary

            "I don't know how comfortable I am with all of this"

            the fact that you are willing to even take a look at "how comfortable you are" shows a willingness to accept potential change, and change is never easy... it hurts sometimes.. think of it as growing pains...

            but Please do hear THIS...... YOU NEVER HAVE TO AGREE TO SOMETHING THAT YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH...... and, find to a way to speak your truth without judgement and recriminations

            "but I feel like once the topic was brought up, our relationship would have never been the same no matter what we had done."

            That's very true..... there's a saying.. Be careful what you wish for, you just mght get it...
            and once a relationship has been opened it is not easy to close it until BOTH people share the same ideals....

            "it's just that I have no idea what's going to happen and that doesn't rest well with me. I'm still very nervous "

            It's a scary place... and a scary feeling... things being out of our control... but if you will try to take each step as a learning and growing experience you may find that you have a deeper commitment of understanding and Love betweeen you.........

            NO, the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence... and HOPEFULLY he knows that and will see that even in this fun and exciting place of whats new there will be issues he has to deal with concerning not only You but the new girla as well...

            and HE has to be responsible for his actions and how he treats BOTH Of you....

            I wish you the best,..... it dosnt always turn out postivie for everyone involved.... but I hope you can hang in there with im and grow TOGETHER...... it is possible....

            humans have a capacity to love on many levels..... we love our jobs differently than we love our kids, and we love our kids differently than we love our siblings.. we love our pets and we love our cars and sports.... but all in differnt ways and levels....

            so... to Care for, LIke, or even Love another doesnt mean we have to give up what else we love... or care for or like.....

            you are NOT less than, and she is not Better than....... it's just different.. and on a differnt level.....

            YOU have your place in his life and he in yours.... and its your choice how you handle it from here out...

            if ya cant live with it.. then work on the changes... but try to make the changes without expectations...... not all of us are on the same path all the time..... we weave in and out and intermingle and comingle

            I hope your Life and your paths intertwine in a wonderful beautiful mix Love and passion for years and years to come....

            Blessing on your journey....
            Bare



            • Re: need help with sharing my husband

              Wed, August 23, 2006 - 2:24 PM
              Ugh. Sometimes that period of having no idea what comes next is like diving into a pool, not knowing whether there is water in it or not.
              It's usually ok. I mean, really, being alone, IMO, is better than extreme unhappiness with another person that goes on and on, so I'm willing to try anything, as long as the communication is good.
    • Re: need help with sharing my husband

      Wed, January 10, 2007 - 2:31 PM
      "if you already have the ability to truly know that you dont have to sacrifice yourself or your relationship then you have the ability to set some boundries and live and love and learn and grow in this...... "

      I enjoyed reading this comment...thank you
  • Re: need help with sharing my husband

    Tue, August 22, 2006 - 1:34 PM
    holy
    I'm suggestion is that you and your husband read the 'ethical slut' together. It is a great place to start. You need a duel understanding of what being open means to both of you. If you come to the conclusion an open relationship is what you want then my other suggestion is that you give each other time to work through this together (baby steps). If this woman is serious about your husband she will want harmony not havoc to come out of their union. It needs to be a united effort, there will be emotional times,so be gentle on each other and pace yourselves.
    Opening our marriage has proven to be one of the most rewarding things Mikey and I ever done, but your relationship must be reasonably solid before hand.
    hope it helps
    karina
  • Re: need help with sharing my husband

    Tue, August 22, 2006 - 2:47 PM
    I agree with the previous comment about reading The Ethical Slut together.

    It is very important as loving partners to protect and care for each other. If you can't talk about what you want and what you're scared of ahead of time, it's not likely to go well at all. Just seeing what happens without talking about the nitty gritty details is an invitation for trouble. The feelings of all involved parties need to be considered along with sexual safety, boundaries, etc.

    My husband and I have been married for 8 years, poly for almost 5, and even though we talk all the time about everything, we still have boundaries and agreements about how we do this. It's about loving, sharing, and respecting each other.
    • Re: need help with sharing my husband

      Tue, August 22, 2006 - 4:58 PM
      Another good book is "polyamory" by Ravenscroft.

      The ethical slut is a good book also, but I didn't really get much out of it, of course I didn't read it until over 15 years of already being poly.

      Also I would say, go with your gut. If you think the situation is messed up then you do deffinatly need to sit down and go over some boundries and such. Also sit down with yourself and writting down some issues you are having and really evaluating them and where they may Stem from would be a good idea. That way you may get an idea as to what feeings are natural to having a relationship change like this and which ones are indicators of other problems that need to be addressed.
  • Re: need help with sharing my husband

    Tue, August 22, 2006 - 6:31 PM
    "I told him I was okay with that as long as I always knew about it and always remained "number one" on his list"

    If that was the agreement, then why is he bringing her home and urging you to meet her? Did you discuss a threesome? Are you interested in other people too? Sharing is one thing, knowing it's out there and that he is being safe and sane about it, but "getting to know her" is a whole different kettle of fish and needs to have it's own rules and boundries.

    Best advice I have is to be true to yourself. The cat is out of the bag now though and you have to work yourself around it. Seriously think about what is and is not going to work for you, then stand up for yourself. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into something you aren't ready for just to get along.

    Good luck.
    • Re: need help with sharing my husband

      Wed, August 23, 2006 - 2:46 PM
      Thank you to everyone for hearing me out and helping me along. I don't want it to end. I hope that this terrible pain and fear inside does go away. It's funny but it almost feels like I'm breaking up with somebody. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since last Friday when it all began. I will be happy to let go of these emotions down the road and perhaps look back with a smile that we've come so far. Until then, my husband's at work, so I'm going to go back to crying before he comes home.
      I really appreciate everything that has been said.
      • Re: need help with sharing my husband

        Sat, August 26, 2006 - 9:31 AM
        A lot of women go through a sort of grief period because they are sad that they alone are not enough for their husband. I felt this too at first. Truth is, for many people, no ONE person would ever be their be all, end all. It isn't YOU, it's him, it's how he thinks and feels in this world. And either you accept that in him, or fight it your whole life. It is possible that you will never be able to accept this way of life, and you need to keep that in mind. You and he may come to a crossroads where tough decisions will have to be made. Communication is the key right now. What would he need to do in order to make you feel like you come first in his life? What are your boundaries? Do you want to preapprove the women he's with or not? When is your time---just you and your husband? We have our weekend time and that is sacred, no dating allowed on our weekend time. For a while, I had one date night a week when it was okay for me to be gone for a few hours. We also don't ever date single people, only other married people in open relationships. And we don't allow any secrets on either side. There are quite a few boundaries when we're involved. That also comes and goes because we are so picky, that it's not easy to find someone that fits all the boundaries and has that necessary chemistry. For us, once the permission was given, the enticement faded. It wasn't near as appealing then. Funny, huh? For now you need to talk, talk, talk.... And tell him you can't guarantee how you'll handle all this emotionally. If he really puts you first, he will promise to end it if you continue to feel like you do now. No one can live happily that way.....and shouldn't have to.

        vixxen
        • Re: need help with sharing my husband

          Sat, August 26, 2006 - 5:08 PM
          I appreciate your comments, vixxen. It makes me feel better knowing the grief I feel is "normal" and that it's okay that I'm asking him to place me first. From reading other entries, I know there are many people who don't feel they can do that; that there isn't an "order," instead there are just different types of love. But in order for me to attempt this lifestyle, I know myself well enough to know that I have to be "the one" while the open relationships are more on a "fun" level. My husband, thankfully, has agreed to most of my boundaries, although I found too that I had to compromise on a few. That was hard. I wanted it my way and my way only. After SEVERAL conversations, a ton of crying (or trying not to), I finally began to understand that his thoughts/suggestions were just as important as mine and if I'm making him compromise with boundaries (he, I think, would rather do what he wanted, whenever the time arose), then I too had to give a little. He has agreed, most importantly for me, that our time together always comes first. I know that was asking a lot of him, but he reassured me it was something he could try for right now. I felt this was something that would make me feel like I was more important.

          I hope I'm not handling this wrong. I keep telling myself if my family/friends ever knew, they would tell me I'm being stupid and wouldn't be able to believe that I'm allowing this to happen. I don't feel as close minded as them, but I can still see where they are coming from. I sometimes wonder, 'am I allowing him to walk all over me" by permitting an open relationship? Isn't committment all about giving up all the other women and being with me only? It's very difficult to get past all these old-fashioned, traditional thoughts. I never expected this to be such a mental challenge.

          The funny thing is, we have been getting along better than we ever have (minus during that first three months of our relationship when everything was sunny). I'm assuming it's because I'm feeling the competition...I don't want her to be nicer to him than I am. Crazy, huh? But, on the other hand, I'm very happy, extremely happy, that this entire situation has opened my eyes to some of the negative things in our relationship that we were fighting over and that aren't even necessary. (Do i really care if he can't seem to get his dirty clothes into the laundry basket that's right next to where he threw them on the floor??).

          I'm going to try this. I'm going to try handling it in a mature, adult manner. And you're right, vixxen, by saying, I "either accept this in him, or fight it my whole life." I absolutely do need to make that decision and I absolutely needed someone to tell me that. I can't thank you enough.

          Holly
          • Re: need help with sharing my husband

            Sun, August 27, 2006 - 1:44 PM
            I've come to realize I had to make a choice---either I accept this
            in him and love him in spite of it, or I walk away. I've seen plenty
            of women (and men) mostly single people who tell women in your
            position to walk away, that you ARE allowing him to walk all over
            you. What they don't understand is a relationship is a complex
            mix of ingredients, and for me, a huge portion of it is a shared
            history, shared children, chemistry, love....all these things combine
            together to make this relationship that works for both of you.
            Those things, when you have them are incredibly valueable,
            priceless even. You can't dismiss everything else when one
            thing changes, and does that automatically end the entire
            relationship?? Not for me... I couldn't walk away and live with
            myself unless I knew I had tried to make it work in spite of these
            issues that he was dealing with. If you try and it makes you miserable
            and you know you'll never be happy this way, then you walk away.
            Ultimately you will have to look within yourself (as you are now) and do
            what's best for you. Because compromising to the point of your
            unhappiness will not help either one of you. I will tell you my situation
            has greatly improved to the point that it currently is a non-issue.
            You never know what the future holds....

            hugz,

            vixxen
            • JD
              JD
              offline 4

              Re: need help with sharing my husband

              Sat, September 9, 2006 - 2:55 PM
              Vixxen--
              'I've come to realize I had to make a choice---either I accept this
              in him and love him in spite of it, or I walk away.'

              I have re-read that statement over and over and am so glad that you wrote that. Actually everything you wrote in that has helped me this past couple of weeks with a few things. So many times people have told me I'm letting him walk all over me but they just don't see the whole picture.

              Thanks for your thoughts, they are very insightful.

              JD
  • Re: need help with sharing my husband

    Thu, September 7, 2006 - 11:27 AM
    Mmmmm...I can understand your fears. I'd have a hard time with my man making love to another woman if I wasn't part of it all. Are you interested in joining them in their lovemaking? Is your husband interested in sharing? Being all together is a lovely and fun way to explore and get to know others without invoking so much jealousy. Communication and trust are paramount!

    Be true to yourself!

    Blessings,

    Angelina
    • Re: need help with sharing my husband

      Mon, September 11, 2006 - 5:36 PM
      I am okay with my husband being with another woman, but I really don't want a detailed replay of how it went and what they did and I don't want to meet the woman. Perhaps this is a better scenario for you as well. I do ask that he tell me when he has sex with her though or when he meets her so I don't feel like I'm out of the loop.
      • Re: need help with sharing my husband

        Sat, October 28, 2006 - 5:29 PM

        Nobodys walking all over you if your agreements are being followed, you are being respected.

        If you are unhappy (beyond occasional growing/adjustment pains) then its time to renegotiate the agreements.
        Of course, sometimes its a tough call working out what exactly it is you are feeling, in the momnet.

        If the agreements are *not* being followed -or someone is refusing to make any agreements- then its time to leave!


        meeting the Other(s) at least once is usually a good idea - and does not imply any kind of obligation to get involved with them. I once dated a lovely woman whose agreement was that her husband had to meet -over a beer- and aprove me first. yes, it was a little intimidating to meet the hubby, but it also made me feel better - there was no question for anyone that i was trying to sneak, or hurt him. I wanted what i wanted, but not at all at his expense. The lady and i went our (friendly) separate ways long ago, and when I see the hubby now, we're still cool and I like that. a lot.
  • cam
    cam
    offline 0

    Re:I know just where you are at

    Sun, October 1, 2006 - 6:57 PM
    hey i am in what ifeel is a similiar situation. My wife and i have had an open relationship since we first met. Open in the sense that we could both sleep with other people if we needed too. I didn't really take advantage of this but was comfortable with her doing so. It has worked great for 10 years now, but recently she has broken the one cardinal rule, she fell in love. It happened very fast. We have invited the woman she is in love with to live with us. Now for the first time I am experiencing jealousy as well as a whole host of other emotions. we are working our way through it though. as everybody else has said communication is the key. I can identify with how you are feeling , the fear part especially, but I can also tell you that we both totally love eachother. i think reading your story just plucked a chord for me, it is helpfull to know that other people are struggling with similiar issues. Certainly most of the people i know personally tell us we are crazy. That gets demoralizing pretty quick, so its great to have found this forum where other people are actually doing similiar sort of things. Anyway, this is proving to be an incredible trip for me, forcing me to grow in ways i always wanted to but never really could. it has also been a whole lot of fun too, i hope the same proves true for you holly. thanks for letting me ramble on.
    peace
    cam
  • Re: need help with sharing my husband

    Wed, January 10, 2007 - 11:04 PM
    From a male perspective his comment. "The problem is, He doesn't want to set rules/boundaries; instead says that he wants us to just "see what happens" and claims I'm being a hyprocrit by giving him a hard time about this when I've always said it was okay before. " This is wrong. Boundsries are needed to have trust. Dragonfly

Recent topics in "Alternative Marriage"